Augh!!!! You’ve got to be kidding. This is not reality. I rolled my eyes till the white showed – if only caregiving was just that easy and straightforward.
The video started with an older woman announcing she was going for a walk… from her home in Nebraska to Ohio. The daughter, recording this interaction, calmly said, “Where are you going? If you come back inside, I can pack and go with you.” The mother smiled and happily trotted back into the house. This is where I rolled my eyes.
Trust me when I say this is not how it goes, at least not for me and my mother. Sure, it could happen; but it’s certainly not the case with mommy and me. These interactions rarely go that smoothly. Case in point: my mother once walked up to a woman holding her son, who was having a tantrum, and sweetly said, “Get a glass of cold water and splash it in his face; that’ll stop it for sure.”
I stood there, shocked, hoping this woman wouldn’t call the police. Once I regained my composure, I explained that my mother has dementia, hoping that would clarify why a stranger advised her to throw cold water on her child’s face.
My mother was diagnosed with dementia about five years ago. The changes were slow and things that you could explain away until there was no way to describe the changes, she has dementia. Living and caring for someone with dementia, things are always unexpected, and you gotta keep on your toes.
When my mom needs to use the bathroom, I have to remind her, “Please don’t pull down your pants. We’re almost at the restroom.” Without this warning, she will be nude in the living room. I can’t count how many times I’ve gone outside with a flashlight, looking for the imaginary people my mom saw at 2 a.m., just to calm her down so she could sleep. Not to mention her angels who come to visit her. She describes them as a man and women wearing all white with white hair and skin. They don’t talk – they just look at her making sure she is fine. I haven’t met them.
What is a Caregiver?
A caregiver is a family member or paid helper who regularly looks after a child, sick, elderly, or disabled person.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Seems straightforward, right? As my mother’s caregiver, I am the chef, social secretary, taxi driver, healthcare advocate, therapist, wellness coordinator, stylist, makeup artist, and wig installer. It’s the job of all jobs. This is the hardest I’ve ever worked, including getting my degree in mechanical engineering. I survived working for a woman who was the devil incarnate and caregiving is still the most challenging thing I’ve done.
I started a fashion business, Iva Jewell by Dionne, to honor my mother and the skills she taught me. I started from scratch, ran a successful crowdfunding campaign, designed and sold handbags, and added apparel and head wraps. Still, caregiving outweighs them all — it’s tough.
As a caregiver, I have honed my problem-solving skills. I can solve the puzzle of what to wear, get mommy dressed, find the matching hat and sunglasses (a must; she won’t leave the house without one), and out the door in 30 minutes – only to be late to the appointment. That’s how it goes. The life of a caregiver.
While being a caregiver is by far the hardest job I’ve ever had, there are still moments of much-needed levity and joy. Several months ago, I took my mother to the neighborhood bar; she talked to people, flirted with men, and had a margarita or two. I thought, “This is nice and she is enjoying herself. What could go wrong? It’s just a few margaritas.”
The nice people at the bar treated my mother to a few, and, well, let’s just say, her tolerance isn’t what it used to be. Those few margaritas did her in. She had a great day, and I am going to hell for getting my mother drunk. A small price to pay for the memories.
Caregiving in the Real World: A Reality Check on This Online Ad
Four years ago, I picked up my life and moved back into my childhood home and room. To support, protect and shepard my parents into the next phase of their lies. Never thought that I would be back home – NEVER!
As I continue on in this phase of my life, I have the pleasure of living my values. This experience has allowed me to be the most authentic version of myself. The version of myself that works through the tears and sleepless nights, the version of myself that finds humor in the most creative ways during some of the most stressful days. The version of myself that will pounce on someone if they are rude to my mother.
Yes, caregiving is hard. But when someone listens to my mother with a smile on their face or tells her she looks pretty or gives my mother the right of way, it brightens my days and renews my hope in mankind.
Wish me luck taking mommy to wine and jazz night at a local restaurant – What could go wrong?